By Natasha Brennan
One of the great unexamined joys of the modern communist sympathiser is the absolute serenity with which they assume their place in the post-revolutionary economy. They will, naturally, be useful. Creatively useful. Emotionally useful. They will facilitate, and workshop, and hold space. The central planning committee — that cold, bureaucratic engine of pure material logic — has other ideas.
We have lovingly profiled eleven of the internet's most recognisable revolutionary archetypes and submitted their self-described skill sets to a hypothetical state labour allocation board. The results are, to use a technical term, devastating.
1. The Podcast Marxist
Self-assessed contribution to society: "Dismantling hegemonic narratives through long-form audio content. Currently on episode 340 of my series on dialectical materialism."
State's assessment: You have demonstrated an ability to talk for four hours without stopping. Congratulations — you've been assigned to the Volga region grain processing facility, where you will narrate safety announcements over the PA system between 12-hour shifts shovelling wheat. Your microphone is a broom.
2. The Trauma-Informed Life Coach
Self-assessed contribution to society: "I help high-achieving humans unpack their nervous system responses and reconnect with their authentic selves. Rate: $180/hour."
State's assessment: The state does not recognise "nervous system responses" as a protected resource. However, your capacity for extended one-on-one conversation has been noted. You will be paired with a mule named Boris on a collective farm outside Minsk. Boris is a difficult listener but he is working through it.
3. The Guy With a Trotsky Tote Bag
Self-assessed contribution to society: "Revolutionary theorist. Challenging Stalinist revisionism from within the broader left ecosystem. Available for speaking engagements."
State's assessment: The irony of your tote bag has been processed and set aside. You have strong opinions and a flexible schedule, which means you are going directly to the onion fields of Uzbekistan. Quota: 400 kilograms daily. Your speaking engagement is with the onions. They are not engaging back.
4. The Astrology-Meets-Anti-Capitalism Girlie
Self-assessed contribution to society: "Scorpio rising. I use celestial frameworks to help people understand how capitalism is a Virgo energy and why collective liberation is very much a Pisces moment."
State's assessment: The committee does not consult star charts during labour allocation. It does, however, consult harvest schedules. You are a Pisces, which means you have been assigned to the fishing cooperative on the Caspian Sea. This is either cosmic alignment or pure coincidence. The committee does not care which.
Photo: Caspian Sea, via cdn1.byjus.com
5. The Academic Who Has Read More Marx Than Marx Wrote
Self-assessed contribution to society: "My dissertation explores the intersectional epistemology of surplus value extraction in late neoliberal digital economies. Seeking tenure."
State's assessment: Tenure has been abolished. Your ability to produce 80,000 words about labour without performing any has been noted with something approaching awe. You are assigned to a coal mine in Donetsk, where you will finally encounter surplus value extraction in a non-theoretical context. Your dissertation may continue in your own time. You will not have your own time.
6. The "Decolonise Everything" Interior Design Influencer
Self-assessed contribution to society: "I help people build anti-capitalist living spaces that reflect their values. Linen. Plants. Intentionality. DM for mood board rates."
State's assessment: The state's housing is already decorated. It is grey. You will be helping construct more of it. Your eye for aesthetics has earned you a position in a Soviet-style concrete prefab assembly unit in Novosibirsk, where every apartment is identical and intentionality is not a line item in the budget.
7. The Radical Empathy Workshop Facilitator
Self-assessed contribution to society: "I design immersive experiences that help organisations move from performative allyship to embodied solidarity. Full-day sessions from $4,000."
State's assessment: The collective farm does not have $4,000. The collective farm has turnips. You will be harvesting the turnips, and if you feel that your colleagues require an embodied solidarity experience, you may conduct it during the fifteen-minute lunch break. Bring your own turnip.
8. The Guy Who Went to One DSA Meeting and Never Recovered
Self-assessed contribution to society: "Organiser. Builder. I believe in the power of community to transform systems from the ground up. Currently reading The Communist Manifesto for the second time."
State's assessment: Excellent. You believe in building things from the ground up. You have been assigned to a road construction crew in rural Siberia, where you will be building things from the ground up, literally, starting immediately. Your copy of The Manifesto may be used as insulation.
9. The Millennial Therapist Who Keeps Calling Capitalism Traumatising
Self-assessed contribution to society: "Somatic therapist specialising in collective and generational trauma. I help clients understand that their anxiety is a rational response to systemic violence."
State's assessment: Your anxiety is a rational response to your new assignment in the sugar beet fields of Belarus. The state acknowledges that this may be traumatising. The state does not offer somatic therapy. The state offers beets.
10. The Person Whose Entire Personality Is Owning a Che Guevara Print
Self-assessed contribution to society: "Revolutionary aesthetic. I think it's important to keep the visual language of resistance alive in everyday spaces."
State's assessment: The visual language of resistance is a poster. You have been looking at a poster. The state requires someone to harvest potatoes in the Ural region, and your qualifications — staring at walls, having opinions about fonts — do not preclude physical labour. Your Che print will be replaced with a production quota chart. It is also, in its own way, a kind of art.
11. The Finance Bro Who "Just Thinks Some Marx Makes Sense"
Self-assessed contribution to society: "I'm not fully communist, I just think the critique of capital accumulation is intellectually interesting. I still have my Robinhood account."
State's assessment: The Robinhood account has been seized. Your intellectual interest in Marxist critique has been noted and rewarded with an assignment to the copper mines of Kyrgyzstan, where the critique of capital accumulation is happening in real time, underground, with a pickaxe. You will find it very intellectually interesting.
A Note From the Committee
The central planning board wishes to thank all applicants for their enthusiasm, their extensive reading lists, and their willingness to imagine a fairer world. It would also like to remind everyone that in a command economy, the state does not negotiate job assignments based on vibes, rising signs, or the number of followers you have on a platform that has also been nationalised.
Your skills have been assessed. Your quotas have been set. The beets will not harvest themselves.
Natasha Brennan is the senior labour allocation correspondent at Actual Life Under Communism. She has been assigned to write this article. She did not have a choice.