We Asked 200 Communism-Curious Americans What Job They'd Have Under the Revolution. Here Is What They Said. Here Is What They Would Actually Get.
In the spirit of scientific inquiry — and because the Bureau of Labor Aspiration Assessment needed content for its quarterly newsletter — we surveyed 200 self-identified communism-curious Americans between the ages of 22 and 41. They were recruited from Reddit, several Discord servers, and a mutual aid group that asked us not to name them but you already know which one.
The survey question was disarmingly simple: Under a fully realized communist system, what role do you see yourself playing in the collective?
We then compared their answers to actual labor shortage data, historical precedent from centrally-planned economies, and a spreadsheet our intern built at 2am that we are choosing to describe as "rigorous."
The results follow. The reassignment notices are at the bottom.
What They Said They'd Do
#1 Most Common Answer: Therapist / Mental Health Support Worker Respondents: 61 out of 200 (30.5%)
The single most popular vision of a communist future, among our sample, was one in which the respondent spends their days providing emotional support to the collective. "People will finally have time to process their trauma," wrote one 29-year-old from Portland. "I want to be there for that."
This is a beautiful vision. It is also worth noting that the Soviet Union had, at its peak, approximately one psychiatrist per 10,000 citizens, the majority of whom were occupied with a somewhat different function than processing collective trauma. We are not saying the two things are related. We are saying the two things are related.
Actual available positions in this category under a centrally-planned economy: 3
#2 Most Common Answer: Teacher / Educator Respondents: 44 out of 200 (22%)
"I've always believed education is the most revolutionary act," explained a 34-year-old from Austin who teaches a $399 online course called "Unschooling Your Inner Capitalist." Forty-three other people agreed with the general premise. They envision classrooms. Engaged students. Curriculum that centers lived experience.
The state also envisions classrooms. The curriculum has already been written. It is not centered on lived experience. It is centered on tractor maintenance schedules and the correct method for reporting a neighbor who has been hoarding grain.
Actual available teaching positions: 7 (Mandatory Literacy Programs, Rural Sector 4 through 11)
#3 Most Common Answer: Community Organizer Respondents: 38 out of 200 (19%)
The people who selected this option had extremely detailed visions. Town halls. Consensus-building. "Holding space for disagreement while moving toward collective action." One respondent submitted a 400-word answer that included a proposed organizational chart.
We showed the organizational chart to the Bureau. The Bureau appreciated the initiative. The Bureau also noted that under a centrally-planned economy, community organizing is performed by the state, for the state, according to a schedule published eighteen months in advance. There is no freelance community organizing. There is, however, a position on the Regional Agricultural Output Compliance Committee that involves attending mandatory meetings every other Tuesday in a building with no windows.
Actual available positions: 2 (both in Saskatchewan)
#4 Most Common Answer: Artist / Musician / Creative Respondents: 31 out of 200 (15.5%)
These respondents were the most optimistic and, statistically, the most likely to have used the phrase "art is essential infrastructure" in the last 30 days. They see themselves composing, painting, writing, or "making work that helps people feel less alone."
Historically, centrally-planned economies did employ artists. State-sponsored art was a significant feature of Soviet cultural life. The art was required to be about tractors. The tractors had to look heroic. If your art was about your feelings, you were reassigned. If your feelings were about tractors, there may have been a path forward.
Actual available creative positions: 4 (Propaganda Poster Design, must have strong opinions about wheat)
#5 Most Common Answer: Content Creator / Journalist / Podcaster Respondents: 19 out of 200 (9.5%)
One respondent specified that they would run "the revolution's media arm." Another said they'd "document everything." A third said, simply, "vibes correspondent," which we have been thinking about for several days now.
The state does have a media arm. It is not looking for vibes correspondents. It is looking for people who can operate a printing press, which is a physical machine, and who have no prior opinions about anything.
Actual available positions: 1 (State Radio Transcription, overnight shift)
#6 Most Common Answer: Farmer / Grower (Sustainable / Regenerative) Respondents: 4 out of 200 (2%)
Four people. Four, out of two hundred. These are the only respondents the Bureau greeted with anything approaching warmth.
The warmth was relative. The Bureau noted that "sustainable" and "regenerative" are not recognized agricultural classifications under the People's Farming Directive, and that the four respondents' combined experience consisted primarily of container gardens and one raised bed. But still. Four people. The Bureau sent them a card.
Actual available positions: Unlimited. Truly unlimited. Please.
The Running Tally
| What They Want to Do | People Who Want It | Positions Available |
|---|---|---|
| Therapy / Emotional Support | 61 | 3 |
| Teaching | 44 | 7 |
| Community Organizing | 38 | 2 |
| Art / Music / Creative Work | 31 | 4 |
| Media / Content / Podcasting | 19 | 1 |
| Farming (Sustainable) | 4 | Unlimited |
| Mining / Extraction / Heavy Industry | 0 | 4,700 |
| Fruit Picking / Agricultural Labor | 0 | 12,000+ |
| Fish Processing | 0 | 800 |
Sample Reassignment Notices
To: Jordan M., 27, Brooklyn, NY Requested role: Trauma-informed life coach Assigned role: Structural pipe maintenance, Water Treatment Facility 4, Upstate New York Note: Your empathy is noted and will be useful when explaining to residents why their water pressure has changed.
To: Skylar P., 31, Denver, CO Requested role: Musician ("ambient soundscapes for collective healing") Assigned role: Copper smelting facility, overnight rotation Note: The ambient soundscape at the facility is already quite developed.
To: Devon R., 24, Philadelphia, PA Requested role: "Vibes correspondent" Assigned role: Grain silo inventory auditing, rural Iowa Note: The vibes there are consistent. You will document them in triplicate.
A Final Note From the Bureau
Of the 200 respondents, 196 described themselves as "fully committed" to the revolutionary project. Of those 196, fewer than a dozen had ever worked a job that involved physical labor, early mornings, or the absence of WiFi.
The Bureau does not hold this against them. The Bureau simply notes that the revolution, in every historical instance, has been less interested in who wanted to organize it and more interested in who was willing to show up at 5am.
The four people who wanted to farm already know this.
The rest of you: there's a locker with your name on it. The number is on your reassignment notice. The notice is at the bottom of this article, and yes, it is legally binding.