By Earl 'Red' Hutchins, Senior Correspondent, Actual Life Under Communism
Congratulations, comrade. The revolution you have been enthusiastically liking on Instagram has finally arrived. The old world is ash. The new world requires beets — approximately forty thousand metric tons of them, actually, by the third quarter.
Before you unroll your cork yoga mat in your new communal dormitory, the Central Bureau of Labor Allocation (CBLA) requires you to complete Form 7-GG: Psychographic Aptitude and Romantic Idealism Assessment. We have taken the liberty of converting it into a fun quiz format so that the transition from your podcast studio to the potato fields feels, in the Bureau's own words, 'spiritually continuous.'
Answer honestly. The Bureau will know if you don't.
Question 1: What Is Currently Hanging On Your Wall?
A) A screen-printed Che Guevara poster purchased from Urban Outfitters for $34.99 B) A hand-lettered sign reading 'Protect Your Energy' C) A mood board featuring both of the above, plus a photo of a yurt D) Nothing — you believe objects carry trauma and you've been slowly releasing them
Photo: Che Guevara, via cdn.pixabay.com
Question 2: How Do You Describe Your Current Occupation?
A) 'I'm in the wellness space' B) 'I facilitate embodied presence workshops' C) 'I'm building something' (you have been building it for four years and it has eleven Instagram followers) D) 'I do a little bit of everything' (translation: your parents pay your rent)
Question 3: What Is Your Relationship With Kombucha?
A) You brew your own and have named the SCOBY B) You consider it medicine C) You have strong opinions about which brands have 'sold out' D) You once described a particularly good batch as 'genuinely transformative'
Question 4: Which of the Following Best Describes Your Vision of Post-Revolutionary Life?
A) Teaching expressive art therapy to children in a sunlit cooperative B) Running the community emotional-support circle C) Curating the collective's vinyl library D) 'Something creative, obviously — the revolution needs culture'
The Bureau notes, with great institutional warmth, that you did not select 'operating heavy threshing equipment in sub-zero temperatures.' This is fine. Nobody does. The wheat does not care.
YOUR RESULTS
Scroll to find your letter combination. All results have been pre-approved by the Directorate of Human Flourishing and Compulsory Grain Production.
Mostly A's — The Sunflower Collective, Eastern Agricultural Zone 4
Official Bureau Citation: 'Subject demonstrates strong visual identity and performative solidarity. Reassigned from proposed role of Community Mural Coordinator. Effective immediately: sunflower seed harvest, 5 AM start, six-day rotation.'
Great news — you will absolutely be surrounded by your favorite flower. All day. Every day. From before sunrise until your back makes a sound the camp medic describes as 'expected.' The sunflower, comrade, does not care about your tote bag. It cares about being harvested efficiently before the first frost, which arrives, the Bureau regrets to inform you, considerably earlier than your previous experience of 'autumn' — which was mostly a vibe and some cinnamon candles.
Your somatic breathwork certification will not go to waste. Breathing, it turns out, remains necessary during manual labor. You are welcome.
Mostly B's — Beet Processing Station 11, Northern Collective District
Official Bureau Citation: 'Subject has extensive background in holding space for others. The beet processing line requires sustained focus, repetitive motion, and tolerance for the color red. Psychological profile: excellent match.'
You spent three years helping people 'sit with discomfort.' Tremendous. The Bureau has arranged for you to sit with approximately eight hundred kilograms of sugar beets per shift, and the discomfort is very much included at no additional charge. Your previous role — Trauma-Informed Breathwork Facilitator — has been reclassified as 'Beet Sorter, Grade 2,' which the Bureau assures you is 'essentially the same thing but with more tangible outputs.'
The good news: the collective does have a vinyl library. It contains four records. One is a folk song about tractors. It is very long.
Mostly C's — Wheat Collective 7, Central Plains Directorate
Official Bureau Citation: 'Subject has demonstrated exceptional ability to have opinions about things. The Central Plains wheat harvest requires opinionated individuals who can distinguish between acceptable and substandard grain. This is, the Bureau confirms, exactly like being a craft kombucha critic, but outside, and with consequences.'
You are going to the wheat fields, and honestly, the Bureau is being generous. You once wrote a 400-word caption about why a particular oat milk brand had 'betrayed the community.' That energy — that magnificent, misdirected specificity — is exactly what Quality Control Station 3 needs at 4:30 in the morning when the combine harvester requires a human being to make rapid decisions about grain moisture content.
Your yurt mood board has been noted. The dormitory has walls, a ceiling, and a shared bucket. The Bureau considers this 'structurally analogous.'
Mostly D's — Fruit Picking Rotation, Southern Agricultural Cooperative Network
Official Bureau Citation: 'Subject's self-description as doing 'a little bit of everything' aligns precisely with the Bureau's seasonal labor rotation program. Subject will continue doing a little bit of everything: cherries in June, apples in August, citrus through winter. The Bureau applauds this perfect continuity of personal brand.'
The revolution, it turns out, needed someone exactly like you — someone flexible, non-specialized, and accustomed to moving between opportunities without accumulating anything resembling expertise. You are going to be so busy. The fruit does not wait. The fruit does not care about your healing journey. The fruit, and the Bureau cannot stress this enough, has a schedule.
Your vision of 'something creative' has been honored. Each piece of fruit you pick represents a small, creative act of survival. The Bureau finds this very poetic and has noted it in your file under 'Morale: Adequate.'
A Final Word From The Bureau
The Central Bureau of Labor Allocation thanks you for your participation and your years of enthusiastic pre-revolutionary content creation. Your hashtags were, genuinely, very motivating for the cause. The cause now requires potatoes.
Please report to your assigned collective within seventy-two hours. You may bring one bag. The Bureau recommends against bringing the Che Guevara tote, as it has been observed to cause 'complex reactions' among the older agricultural workers who remember things.
The revolution is here, comrade. It smells like beets.
— Earl 'Red' Hutchins, CBLA-Certified Quiz Administrator
Actual Life Under Communism publishes weekly dispatches from the revolution you voted for. Earl 'Red' Hutchins has been covering the gap between revolutionary aesthetics and agricultural reality since 2019. He is not assigned to any collective. This is, he acknowledges, deeply unfair.