By Natasha Brennan | Actual Life Under Communism
For years, progressive-minded young academics have consoled themselves with a quietly satisfying thought: sure, capitalism doesn't value my Expressive Dance Theory degree, but that's only because capitalism is broken. In a fairer, more equitable system — one organized around human need rather than profit — surely society would finally recognize the revolutionary importance of my thesis on Post-Colonial Glassblowing.
We have reviewed this theory with the Central Bureau of Labor Allocation (CBLA).
The Bureau's response, rendered in the clipped, affectless prose of a Soviet-era memo, was essentially: no.
What follows is the Bureau's official assessment of the ten academic qualifications least useful to a functioning command economy — paired, as a courtesy, with each graduate's reassigned labor posting. Productivity ratings are included. They are not flattering.
1. Gender Studies (BA, MA, or PhD — It Doesn't Matter)
Four years analyzing the intersection of identity, power, and discourse. Truly, a rich intellectual journey. Unfortunately, the wheat does not care about discourse. It needs harvesting. The CBLA has reviewed your skillset — close reading, seminar participation, strongly-worded emails — and determined that you are best deployed at Collective Farm No. 14, Grain Division.
Photo: Collective Farm No. 14, via 1.bp.blogspot.com
Official Labor Posting: Wheat Picker, Tier 3 CBLA Productivity Rating: 2.1/10 ("Subject spent first morning explaining to sunflowers that the harvest schedule was 'structurally violent.'")
2. Fine Arts (Painting Concentration)
You envisioned a future of gallery openings and meaningful artist statements. Capitalism crushed that dream. Communism, regrettably, also crushed that dream — though it did briefly consider commissioning a mural of a tractor before deciding it had enough tractor murals. You are needed elsewhere.
Official Labor Posting: Paint Scraper, Municipal Buildings Restoration Brigade CBLA Productivity Rating: 3.4/10 ("Technically relevant to field of study. Subject is nevertheless furious.")
3. Artisanal Bread Theory (yes, this is a real postgraduate specialization at several institutions)
Breathtaking, frankly. You studied the philosophy of sourdough. You wrote 12,000 words on the politics of fermentation. The command economy, which requires bread to be produced at industrial scale in enormous concrete facilities, has no position called "Bread Theorist." There is, however, an opening on the factory floor.
Official Labor Posting: Dough Operative, State Bakery Complex B CBLA Productivity Rating: 5.8/10 ("First useful posting on this list. Subject is nonetheless experiencing an existential crisis.")
Photo: State Bakery Complex B, via www.bakehouseoncranford.com.au
4. Wellness Coaching (Certificate Program)
You were going to guide burnt-out millennials toward their authentic selves, charging $180 per session on a calming Zoom background. The collective has no $180. The collective has a coal mine that requires staffing. Your certification in Breathwork and Somatic Alignment has been noted and filed.
Official Labor Posting: Ventilation Monitor, Coal Mine Shaft 3 CBLA Productivity Rating: 4.0/10 ("Ironically, the breathing exercises are somewhat applicable underground.")
Photo: Coal Mine Shaft 3, via thumbs.dreamstime.com
5. Sociology of TikTok (Emerging Media Studies, various universities)
A bold academic frontier. A genuine waste of everyone's time. TikTok has been banned under the new regime as a tool of bourgeois distraction and also because the algorithm was deemed "ideologically incoherent." Your expertise is now entirely without application. You will pick apples.
Official Labor Posting: Fruit Picker, Orchard Collective No. 9 CBLA Productivity Rating: 2.6/10 ("Keeps attempting to film the orchard 'for content.'")
6. Trauma-Informed Life Coaching (Online Certification, $2,400)
You were going to hold space. You were going to validate lived experiences and guide clients through their healing arc. The collective thanks you for your compassion. The collective also has a potato harvest that is three weeks behind schedule, and potatoes, unlike feelings, have a measurable yield target.
Official Labor Posting: Potato Harvester, Northern Agricultural Zone CBLA Productivity Rating: 1.9/10 ("Attempted to hold space for a potato. Productivity review pending.")
7. Queer Musicology (MA)
A fascinating discipline that examines musical tradition through the lens of gender and sexuality. The Bureau read your thesis summary with what can only be described as confused silence. There is a position available loading timber at the state lumber facility. It does not require a thesis.
Official Labor Posting: Timber Loader, State Forestry Division CBLA Productivity Rating: 3.1/10 ("Attempted to analyze the ideological implications of the foreman's whistle.")
8. Creative Non-Fiction (MFA)
You spent three years perfecting your lyric essays. Your prose is luminous. Your comma placement is exquisite. The Central Bureau of Labor Allocation reads at a functional level and does not have time for luminous prose. It has, however, produced a pamphlet on correct grain storage techniques that requires distribution. You will distribute it. On foot.
Official Labor Posting: State Pamphlet Distribution Officer, Rural Circuit CBLA Productivity Rating: 6.2/10 ("Highest rating on this list. Subject is devastated.")
9. Holistic Nutrition (Diploma)
You were going to revolutionize people's relationship with food through mindful eating, adaptogens, and eliminating gluten for reasons that were never entirely clear. State nutrition policy is: eat what the collective produces. This week it is cabbage. Next week it will also be cabbage. Your diploma in Intuitive Eating has been archived.
Official Labor Posting: Cabbage Field Worker, Collective Farm No. 6 CBLA Productivity Rating: 3.8/10 ("Has strong opinions about the cabbage that are not being requested.")
10. Philosophy of Mind (BA)
You grappled with consciousness, free will, and the hard problem of subjective experience. Remarkable. The mine shaft also presents something of a hard problem, specifically the extraction of coal from rock at the required daily quota. Your capacity for deep, sustained thought will serve you well in the darkness.
Official Labor Posting: Coal Miner, Shaft 7, Northern District CBLA Productivity Rating: 2.3/10 ("Keeps questioning whether the coal 'really exists' in any meaningful sense. It does. Quota remains unmet.")
A Note From The Central Bureau
The Bureau wishes to emphasize that no judgment is attached to these reassignments. Every role within the collective is equally honorable. The wheat picker and the coal miner contribute as meaningfully to society as the academic — arguably more so, given that one of them produces wheat.
Graduates are encouraged to report to their assigned postings with enthusiasm, appropriate footwear, and a willingness to abandon any lingering attachment to the concept of "career fulfillment." The collective does not have a HR department. There is no one to file a complaint with.
Your new life begins Monday.
Bring gloves.
— The Central Bureau of Labor Allocation, Department of Credential Review and Field Assignment
Natasha Brennan is a staff writer at Actual Life Under Communism. She holds an MFA in Creative Non-Fiction and is currently completing her Rural Circuit pamphlet route.