The People's Career Guidance Office Is Now Open: Please Stop Crying, Comrade
The following is a transcript of correspondence received by the Office of Revolutionary Labour Placement, Month Four of the Glorious New Order. Senior Counselor Dmitri Volkov responds to each inquiry personally, despite his repeated requests to be transferred somewhere quieter — like a submarine.
Photo: Dmitri Volkov, via r.image-bot.com
Letter One: The Stardew Valley Situation
Dear Counselor Volkov,
Photo: Stardew Valley, via static0.gamerantimages.com
I feel there has been a clerical error. My assignment reads 'Agricultural Production Unit 7, Sector North.' I am not a farmer. I am an agrarian content strategist. I have logged 400+ hours in Stardew Valley across three separate playthroughs, I have a Pinterest board dedicated to cottage-core aesthetics, and I once kept a succulent alive for eleven months. I am clearly suited to an advisory role within the Ministry of Sustainable Farming Narratives, which I believe should exist. Please advise.
— Willow, 24, former lifestyle blogger
Counselor Volkov Responds:
Dear Willow. Thank you for your letter, your attached mood board, and the unsolicited jar of "artisanal" jam you included, which I have confiscated as State property.
I have reviewed your file. You have never grown food. You have grown a pixel turnip using a mouse. These are not the same thing. The succulent, I will grant you — though I note it died in December, which you omitted from your letter.
Your assignment stands. Agricultural Production Unit 7 begins at 5am. They do not have a content strategy meeting. They have a field. You will report to the field.
The State thanks you for your enthusiasm. Please bring boots.
— Counselor Volkov, who has not slept since Tuesday
Letter Two: The Twitch Streamer's Petition
Dear Counselor Volkov,
With respect, I think the Revolution is missing a massive opportunity here. I have 14,000 followers, a Logitech sponsorship (recently lapsed, but still), and I streamed for nine consecutive hours last March. The people need information. They need entertainment. They need someone charismatic to explain the Five-Year Plan in an engaging format with appropriate thumbnail design. I am formally requesting appointment to the Bureau of Digital Content, Deputy Director level minimum.
— xXDuskRaiderXx (legal name: Marcus), 27, content creator
Counselor Volkov Responds:
Dear Marcus.
The Bureau of Digital Content does not exist. I have now received forty-three letters requesting positions within it, which means forty-three people invented the same fictional government department and assumed they would run it. This is statistically remarkable and also deeply depressing.
Your nine-hour stream has been noted. The coal processing facility in Sector 4 operates twelve-hour shifts, so you are already partway to the required stamina. Your Logitech sponsorship is irrelevant underground.
Your assignment is coal. The State appreciates your energy. Please direct it downward, approximately 300 metres.
— Counselor Volkov
P.S. Your username has been replaced with your State identification number. You are now Worker 4471.
Letter Three: A Spiritual Matter
Dear Counselor Volkov,
I am a practicing tarot reader, Reiki healer, and certified sound bath facilitator. I have helped hundreds of people navigate emotional transitions, which is exactly what the Revolution is. I am petitioning for the role of Director of the Department of Spiritual Wellness, a position I am prepared to create if it does not currently exist. The collective needs healing. I am the healing.
— Seraphina, 29, intuitive guide and small business owner (dissolved)
Counselor Volkov Responds:
Dear Seraphina.
The Department of Spiritual Wellness does not exist. Religion, mysticism, and the shuffling of illustrated cards to determine one's professional destiny have all been discontinued. I appreciate the irony that you did not see this coming.
You have been assigned to the textile factory in District 9, where you will operate a loom for eight hours daily. I understand this is not the vibrational frequency you were hoping for. However, the rhythmic clacking of industrial machinery has been described by some workers as meditative, so perhaps there is alignment here after all.
The State does not require healing. It requires fabric.
— Counselor Volkov, who has a headache
Letter Four: The Demolition Confusion
Dear Counselor Volkov,
There has been a serious mistake. I host a podcast — 'Dismantle Everything,' 340 episodes, rated four-point-eight stars — dedicated to dismantling oppressive systems, dismantling late-stage capitalism, and dismantling the architecture of institutional harm. I am a systems thinker. I am a structural critic. I have dismantled, metaphorically speaking, some of the most entrenched ideological frameworks of our time.
Why, then, have I been assigned to a demolition crew?
— Jordan, 26, podcast host and systems dismantler
Counselor Volkov Responds:
Dear Jordan.
This is not a mistake.
You spent three years telling anyone who would listen that you wanted to dismantle things. The State listened. The State has provided you with a hard hat, a sledgehammer, and a condemned municipal building on Prospect Street that needs to be rubble by Thursday.
Photo: Prospect Street, via alchetron.com
I will confess that your assignment brought me more satisfaction than most. You are, by your own description, a dismantler. You have now been given things to actually dismantle. The ideological framework of the old water treatment facility awaits.
Your podcast has been cancelled. Not by the State — your hosting platform simply ceased to exist. We mention this only for closure.
— Counselor Volkov
P.S. Four-point-eight stars is genuinely impressive. It changes nothing, but I wanted to acknowledge it.
A Note From Counselor Volkov To All Future Letter-Writers
I have now processed 2,400 individual appeals in four months. I would like to address several recurring themes before more envelopes arrive at my door.
Your minor in Gender Studies does not qualify you to lead a ministry. Your Etsy shop does not constitute manufacturing experience, though it is closer than most. Having "a lot of thoughts" about an industry is not the same as working in it. And no, the Revolution does not have a podcast network, an astrology division, a department of vibes, or any role that involves the phrase "thought leader."
The new economy requires people who grow things, build things, move things, and fix things. If your entire career history exists as a series of browser tabs, you will be assigned accordingly.
The Office of Revolutionary Labour Placement wishes you well. We wish ourselves better.
— Senior Counselor Dmitri Volkov Bureau of Labour Allocation, Room 3B Hours: 8am–6pm, except Tuesdays when I hide