Every revolution needs its true believers. It also needs its copper miners, its fish cannery workers, its people who operate the machines that process the fish that feed the miners. History, unfortunately, has always been clearer on this point than Twitter.
In the spirit of public service, we submitted ten profiles to the Central Bureau of Labor Allocation and asked them to cross-reference each comrade's stated revolutionary ambitions against historical Soviet labor distribution data. The results were, as the Bureau described them, 'entirely predictable.'
1. The Trauma-Informed Life Coach
Who they are: Has a Substack. Charges $200/hour. Describes themselves as 'holding space for collective liberation.' Currently co-facilitating a workshop called Decolonizing Your Inner Child's Relationship to Scarcity. Owns three crystals specifically for 'abundance work.'
Dream Revolutionary Role: Chief Wellness Officer for the People's Healing Collective, obviously.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 7741-B Comrade's demonstrated capacity for sustained verbal output and tolerance for human distress has been flagged as operationally valuable. Assignment: Shift Supervisor, State Textile Factory No. 9. Comrade will 'hold space' for 34 workers across a 10-hour shift. Trauma-informed framework inapplicable; quota-informed framework mandatory. Crystals: confiscated. They are rocks. The quarry has more.
2. The Decolonization Podcaster
Who they are: Runs a twice-monthly podcast with 6,000 listeners, most of whom are also podcasters. Has strong opinions about 'land back' that do not extend to any specific plan for the land once it's back. The podcast is called something with 'Radical' in the title.
Dream Revolutionary Role: State Media Director, obviously. Or at minimum, head of the revolutionary podcast network.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 8823-C The Revolution currently operates 1 (one) approved radio broadcast per administrative region. Comrade's application for State Media Director has been reviewed alongside 4,400 similar applications. Comrade has been assigned to agricultural communications: delivering crop rotation announcements to Collective Farm No. 6 via hand-cranked loudspeaker. This is, technically, broadcasting. Comrade's framing of this as 'decolonizing the audio landscape' is noted and will not be rewarded with additional equipment.
Photo: Collective Farm No. 6, via media.tegna-media.com
3. The Boundaries-Focused Relationship Anarchist
Who they are: Has a 47-point document outlining their relationship needs. Refers to their three partners as their 'constellation.' Spends considerable time online explaining that the nuclear family is a capitalist construct while also arguing about who forgot to buy oat milk.
Dream Revolutionary Role: Facilitator of the People's Relationship Education Institute.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 2219-A Comrade's 47-point needs document has been reviewed. The collective operates on a 3-point system: work, eat, sleep. Comrade's demonstrated skill in managing complex interpersonal logistics across multiple parties makes them an ideal candidate for supply chain coordination, specifically the routing of timber shipments across four regional depots. The work involves many parties, competing needs, and firm deadlines. Comrade will find it structurally familiar. The constellation metaphor is discouraged in official communications.
4. The Anti-Work Subreddit Moderator
Who they are: Has not had a job in 14 months and considers this a political act. Posts daily. Moderates three subreddits. Describes their schedule as 'liberating unstructured time from the capitalist framework of productivity.' Sleeps until noon. This is, they explain, resistance.
Dream Revolutionary Role: Director of the Institute for Post-Labor Studies.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 5501-D The Revolution does not have an Institute for Post-Labor Studies. The Revolution has a great deal of labor. Comrade's 14 months of unstructured time have been reviewed as a training gap rather than a credential. Comrade is assigned to the fish processing facility, Sector 4, reporting at 5am. The Bureau notes that the facility does not have a subreddit. The Bureau further notes that this is fine.
5. The Marxist Yoga Instructor
Who they are: Teaches '$10 solidarity classes' in a studio that charges $35 for all other classes. Has a tattoo of Das Kapital's spine. Describes Savasana as 'practicing collective rest.' The playlist is called 'Seize the Means (of Relaxation).'
Photo: Das Kapital, via images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com
Dream Revolutionary Role: Director of the People's Somatic Liberation Program.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 3367-B Comrade's physical conditioning and demonstrated tolerance for early mornings are noted assets. Comrade is assigned to the state agricultural collective, row crop division. The work involves extensive bending, stretching, and sustained low-impact exertion — activities comrade has been performing voluntarily for years. The Bureau considers this a seamless transition. The playlist will not be carried over. There is no playlist. There is the sound of the field.
6. The NFT-to-Communism Pipeline Guy
Who they are: Was extremely online about crypto in 2021. Pivoted to communism in 2022 after the crash with the same energy and zero apparent irony. Now posts 'fully automated luxury communism' memes while living in his parents' basement in Scottsdale.
Dream Revolutionary Role: Head of the Revolutionary Technology Transition Council.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 9981-A Comrade's background in speculative digital asset promotion has been reviewed. The Revolution does not have speculative digital assets. The Revolution has manganese. Comrade is assigned to the manganese processing sector, where their previous experience optimizing returns on intangible goods will be redirected toward optimizing yields from very tangible ore. The Bureau wishes to note that manganese, unlike comrade's previous portfolio, has retained its value.
7. The 'Abolish Everything' Law Student
Who they are: First-year at a top-14 law school. Wants to abolish the police, prisons, landlords, borders, and, after a particularly bad semester, exams. Has not yet considered what happens after everything is abolished. This is, they say, 'a later-stage question.'
Dream Revolutionary Role: Chief Legal Architect of the Post-Carceral State.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 4412-C The Revolution has noted comrade's legal training and finds it applicable in a limited capacity. Comrade is assigned to document processing for the Bureau of Internal Transit Permits, where they will review, stamp, and file applications for inter-regional travel documents. The work is legal in nature. It involves a great deal of the state. Comrade may find this clarifying.
8. The Solarpunk Urban Farmer
Who they are: Grows tomatoes on a Brooklyn rooftop. Describes this as 'prefigurative politics.' Has written 3,000 words about their raised beds. Attends every community board meeting. Is building, they say, 'the world we want to see,' one heirloom tomato at a time.
Dream Revolutionary Role: Director of the People's Urban Agriculture Initiative.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 6634-D Comrade's agricultural experience is the single most directly applicable skill set the Bureau has processed this quarter. Comrade is assigned to Collective Farm No. 3, vegetable cultivation division. The Bureau wishes to express genuine appreciation. Comrade will, however, note that the scale differs somewhat from the Brooklyn rooftop. The farm is 4,000 acres. There are no heirloom varieties. The tomatoes are functional. So, now, is comrade.
9. The Fully Automated Luxury Communist Who Works in Finance
Who they are: Earns $340,000 at a hedge fund. Posts about worker ownership between trades. Describes this as 'working within the system to dismantle it.' Has a very nice apartment. The apartment is, they acknowledge, 'a contradiction.' They are 'sitting with it.'
Dream Revolutionary Role: Economic Transition Advisor to the Revolutionary Council.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 1123-B Comrade's financial expertise has been noted and the Bureau has a question: have you ever actually touched anything? The Revolution requires people who touch things. Comrade is assigned to the state timber operation, materials handling division. Comrade will touch a great deal of timber. The contradiction comrade was sitting with has been resolved. The apartment has been collectivized. Comrade may sit with that instead.
10. The Vibes-Based Anti-Capitalist Influencer
Who they are: 200,000 Instagram followers. Content: thrifted outfits, anti-capitalist captions, brand deals (ethical ones). Bio: 'Dismantling systems one post at a time 🌹.' Has a Patreon. The Patreon is for 'sustaining the work.' The work is the Instagram.
Dream Revolutionary Role: Head of the People's Visual Communication Directorate.
What They'd Actually Get:
MEMO — BUREAU OF LABOR ALLOCATION, REF: 7700-A Comrade's capacity for visual communication is acknowledged. The Revolution has 1 (one) approved visual communication role per administrative district, currently filled. Comrade's 200,000 followers have been collectivized and redistributed as agricultural labor across four regions. Comrade is assigned to the root vegetable sector, where their aesthetic sensibility will be applied to the arrangement of turnips in storage — a role the Bureau is formally designating as 'Director of Produce Visual Optimization.' Comrade may put this on their bio. There is no Instagram. There is the turnip.
The Bureau of Labor Allocation thanks all comrades for their submissions. Further appeals may be filed using Form 44-B (Transit to Agricultural Assignment), available at all regional offices. Processing time is 18–24 months. The beets do not wait.