From Healing Journeys to Fish Processing: A Revolutionary Transition
Dr. Wellness (we use that term loosely),
The People's Medical Review Board has completed its comprehensive audit of your functional medicine practice, "Radiant Root Cause Healing." After extensive analysis of your business model, credentials, and actual medical value, we have some exciting news about your future career path.
Your Professional Portfolio: A State Assessment
Let's review what brought you to our attention:
Your Credentials:
- "Certified Functional Nutrition Practitioner" (6-month online course)
- "Gut Health Specialist" (weekend certification)
- "Hormone Optimization Expert" (YouTube University, Class of 2019)
- "Trauma-Informed Nutrition Coach" (self-proclaimed)
Your Treatment Philosophy: Every health problem stems from gut inflammation, solved by eliminating gluten, dairy, sugar, joy, and approximately $3,000 in monthly supplement costs.
Your Pricing Structure:
- Initial consultation: $400 (to tell people they have leaky gut)
- Follow-up sessions: $280 (to confirm they still have leaky gut)
- Custom supplement protocol: $500/month (to maybe fix the leaky gut)
- "Functional testing": $1,200 (to prove the leaky gut exists)
The State's Findings
Our medical review committee—comprised of actual doctors with actual medical degrees—has determined that your practice primarily involved:
- Diagnosing "adrenal fatigue" in people who were just tired
- Prescribing $200 bottles of magnesium to solve everything from anxiety to toenail fungus
- Convincing healthy people they had "systemic candida overgrowth"
- Charging premium prices to tell people to eat vegetables
Your New Assignment: Sardine Processing Plant 7
Congratulations! The People's Bureau of Nutritional Labor has identified the perfect role for your expertise: Sardine Canning Line Supervisor, Shift C (11 PM - 11 AM).
Photo: Sardine Processing Plant 7, via c8.alamy.com
Why This Position Suits Your Skill Set
Nutritional Expertise: You'll be working directly with omega-3 rich fish, providing genuine nutritional value to the people—something your previous practice struggled to achieve.
Gut Health Focus: Sardines are excellent for actual gut health, unlike the $400 conversations about avoiding nightshades that constituted your previous medical advice.
Hands-On Healing: Instead of ordering expensive functional tests that no real doctor recognizes, you'll be hands-deep in actual fish, providing tangible nutrition to the masses.
Root Cause Solutions: The root cause of hunger is lack of food. You'll be solving that directly, rather than charging people $300 to discover their fatigue might be related to staying up until 2 AM scrolling Instagram.
Your Daily Responsibilities
4:00 AM: Clock in, don hairnet and rubber gloves (the aesthetic is different from your crystal-adorned healing space, but equally transformative)
4:30 AM - 2:00 PM: Process 2,400 pounds of sardines per hour. Your previous experience explaining why someone's bloating is definitely not related to eating an entire bag of chips will help you maintain focus during repetitive tasks.
2:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Equipment cleaning. This is like "cleansing protocols" but with actual soap and measurable results.
4:00 PM - 11:00 PM: Quality control. You'll inspect each can to ensure proper nutrition delivery—similar to your previous work, except now you're actually helping people instead of convincing them they're allergic to tomatoes.
Salary and Benefits
- Hourly wage: $12.50 (significantly less than your previous $400/hour rate for googling symptoms, but you'll be providing actual value)
- Health benefits: Basic coverage through the People's Medical System (ironically, more medically legitimate than anything you previously offered)
- Meal plan: All the sardines you can eat (which is genuinely healthier than most $500 "personalized nutrition protocols")
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Can I continue my practice on the side? A: The People's Medical Board has determined that your "practice" was primarily extracting money from desperate people seeking health solutions. This is now illegal.
Q: What about my 10,000 Instagram followers who rely on my gut health wisdom? A: They'll benefit more from affordable, properly processed sardines than from your $200 bottles of probiotics that may or may not contain live cultures.
Q: This seems like a dramatic career change. What about my calling to heal? A: You'll be healing the nation's omega-3 deficiency, one properly canned sardine at a time. It's more direct healing than charging people $400 to tell them their anxiety is caused by "adrenal dysfunction."
The Transition Process
Your former colleagues have also received their revolutionary assignments:
- Jennifer, who specialized in "thyroid optimization" through $600 supplement protocols, is now optimizing actual thyroid function at the medical waste disposal facility
- Brad, your "hormone balancing" partner, is balancing industrial chemicals at the water treatment plant
- The entire "Functional Medicine Summit" speaker roster has been reassigned to various fish processing facilities across the Pacific Northwest
Photo: Pacific Northwest, via www.drought.gov
A Message of Hope
Comrade, this transition represents the beautiful efficiency of communist resource allocation. Instead of charging desperate people premium prices for unregulated supplements and unproven theories, you'll be providing genuine nutrition to the masses.
Your years of explaining why everyone needs to eliminate lectins will serve you well when explaining why everyone needs properly processed fish protein. The difference is that sardines actually contain the nutrients you claim they do, and they cost $2 per can instead of $200 per consultation.
Reporting Instructions
Report to Sardine Processing Plant 7 this Monday at 11 PM sharp. Bring steel-toed boots—the factory floor is less forgiving than your carpeted wellness studio, but significantly more honest about its impact on human health.
The revolution thanks you for your service. Your sacrifice of a lucrative pseudomedical practice for honest fish processing work represents the true spirit of putting people's actual nutritional needs before profit.
Welcome to food production that actually nourishes people.
Signed, The People's Medical Review Board "Real Medicine for Real People"